in these small hours

    let it go,
    let it roll right off your shoulder
    don’t you know
    the hardest part is over
    let it in,
    let your clarity define you
    in the end
    we will only just remember how it feels

Little Wonders – Rob Thomas

– – –

“Is that your mother?” the pakcik asked as he handed me the packets of kerepek. I nodded.

“You should celebrate Father’s Day here,” he said, motioning to the restaurant behind him, which I had just exited.

It was an innocent remark, but it rankled me all the same. Because I have not had a father, in the real sense of the word, for almost 10 years. Just someone whose name I carry, and I’m not proud of it.

I’ve gotten over him walking out. Even the part where he didn’t see any of it was his fault. However, I cannot accept the fact that he keeps leaving his shit for others to clean up after, over and over again. And how he can be so cavalier about it, when confronted. Or how he keeps playing the broken record about his problems with this and that so he’ll “need two more weeks”, every time. You do not make promises you cannot keep, or least try to fulfill.

It doesn’t matter that he’s found another platform to “talk to the masses” and show how he still has what it takes to contribute to society or whatever. I still can’t see beyond the person who disappoints the ones he so-called love. I used to respect him so much, you know. Not anymore. But I guess God had put me where I am now professionally to get rid of these bad vibes towards him. Nothing is random.

Mom sometimes say I brush people off easily, usually in a rude way. I just have VERY low tolerance for incompetence and idiocy and outright common sense. And he definitely fits the bill. Even if he is family. Harsh, huh. Daddy issues, I tell ya.

– – –

どうして私の恋はいつも複雑なのかな

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5 thoughts on “in these small hours

  1. got that song stuck in my head since it came out!

  2. kudo says:

    i can’t tolerate incompetence too. you go, you!

  3. zorro says:

    I understand….just how you feel.

  4. tony g says:

    5 years ago when I discovered he was your dad, you asked me, ‘Do you see him often?’ I replied, ‘Sometimes’. Then you said, ‘If you see him again, kirim salam.’ I wanted to hug you but it would not be appropriate then. I wished I had and dispense with the taboos.
    Dear friend, men can be vicious, but don’t take that hate to the grave.
    Glad we met again after all these years. Blogsphere will be our common meeting place.

  5. norzu says:

    tony g: it was really nice catching up with you yesterday. I miss my Mini! must give your cafe a visit soon.

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