There is about just a week left of Ramadhan. I feel that I’ve not put much effort in “doing good” this year. Not that I did much in the previous fasting month but there is a marked difference this time. I keep feeling irritated by little things, and while at the mosque, my mind would stray to stuff I should not be thinking about. The calmness I always associate with Ramadhan seems distant, out of reach.
Maybe it is because I didn’t truly prepare myself for the fasting month, especially on the mental and spiritual aspects. I don’t normally do it anyway but somehow it is a challenge to go a day without feeling that I am forced to be positive or patient.
Patience. I need a lot more of that.
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While I struggle internally for some peace of mind, I’ve also been contemplating my future, what I should do next. With a new financial commitment (which is such a freaking adult thing to have), I cannot just be thinking of the next few months but the next few years. I’ve been freelancing for about three years, although it feels longer. That was how long I stayed at BT. I guess I could use the change.
A friend had suggested not subtly of a move to greener pastures. Another had given me a good enough reason to go back to reporting and join her organisation. The pakciks gave one alternative, and I found at least a couple more. So I am not short of options, I just need to decide if I want to give up the luxury of working around my own time and being able to prepare stuff from the comfort of my room, still in my bedclothes.
Money has never been my main motivation, in most things that I do. Satisfaction is.