So take a look at me now

What do you want exactly?

That’s just it. I want a lot of things but I try to focus on my needs mostly.

I bet it isn’t easy.

Of course! I need to pay bills, make sure things are alright with the family, have a day job, be rational.

OK. That leads me back to my original question. What do you WANT?

Besides being able to dictate how the world is run? Let’s see.. a nice car, a good man, a decent life, a sense of living in the moment.

You’re such a cliché. You think you’re so unique? Get in line, sister.

I didn’t say I was being original.

Right. Are you able to fulfill your needs then?

Mostly, yes.

So what holds you back from getting what you want?

I can give excuses like bad timing or financial commitments but I feel that the biggest reason would be myself. I am holding me back.

Why?

Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to have what I want, that a bad thing would happen if I did. At other times I think I should be grateful for what I already have and shouldn’t want so much more, not when many are living with so much less.

But you should strive to be the best you can be and live the best way you are able to, no? It is not wrong to have things and be with somebody. To be happy.

I know, but I’ve had disappointments and near misses I can’t shake off entirely. I mean, I move on when things don’t work out with a guy but the scars… they’re still there.

Is that why you did not pursue him? Because of past experiences? Or are you just afraid things might actually work out?

I didn’t pursue him because I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me. That is just the worst thing.

Maybe you just want to control the situation, and have everything go in your favour.

So what if I am? Maybe I’ve had enough screw ups to last me a lifetime that I wish for once things would go the way I hope it would.

You know you can’t do that, nobody could.

No. You’re right.

But let’s say, a guy wants you and the feeling is mutual. What would you do?

That is a tough one. I’d want it to work. I think.

Don’t think. Do.

Yeah. That’s right. Just freakin’ do it.

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5 thoughts on “So take a look at me now

  1. hanny says:

    fiction ker nih?..hmm…ayashiiii..

  2. anasalwa says:

    Nor,
    This a lovely self evaluation.

  3. anasalwa says:

    oopppp……This is….

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