All these tapes swirl around in my head

The four of us parted ways after a simple but filling meal of ikan bakar and nasi putih. I sent the Madam home, while the Manager dropped Bos Kecik off where he had left his car earlier.

When I arrived home, I texted Bos Kecik to thank him for dinner and also for backing me up in the meeting room earlier that day.

He replied: “Don’t mention it Nor, wish I could have done more.”

The simple reply brought fresh tears to my eyes, at the end of a very long and emotionally exhausting day. To know that I am part of a team of professionals with integrity as well as the feeling of being accepted are a couple of reasons why I like working here. Just like with the two pakciks, who were willing to give me guidance and tolerated my moody ways, I am comfortable with the people I work with here and the athmosphere at the office but there are now attempts to ruin that and it is overwhelmingly frustrating.

I was mad at myself yesterday for not being able to voice out properly the limitations that I am currently experiencing but I was thankful for the Madam and Bos Kecik as they helped me get the message across. For the nth time, I wondered why do I cry when I shouldn’t, when all I wanted was be clear headed and to sound rational.

– – –

After reading the text message, I somehow picked up Lifetime of Secrets and proceeded to leaf through the pages, tears still falling. I eventually calmed down enough to close the book, turn off the lights and shut my eyes. The last thoughts before drifting off was of you, the person I should not be thinking about, and how I wished I was in your arms feeling safe.

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