Category Archives: Conversations in my head

When do you get what you want?

I am having a difficult time letting go of the feelings I have for a man. It should have been really easy, since he is off limits on many levels but even as we keep to the boundaries we’ve each set, I cannot seem to move on and just be friends.

However, in the past month, I was able to limit my contact with him to a very minimum, which came to almost nothing. It was really hard but I managed it. I don’t know if I could continue doing it because I really miss our conversations about… stuff we both love to do. I guess he helped by maintaining his distance, and somehow picking up on what I was trying to do.

I think he is happy with his situation and that does matter to me, his happiness. It’s just sad that it couldn’t be me he’s sharing it with.

It still hurts every time I think about it, how timing is never right when I thought I’d found a person I could be with. I try to appear strong and calm when I’d rather wallow in self pity. I tell myself that there is a reason for everything but sometimes I have my doubts. Because good things seem to happen to other people easily while I work hard to get by.

Sometimes, I just want to have what I want when I want it, you know?

See how the main sail sets

When I read what you wrote during your journey those years ago, I wondered if you have read those entries again, remembering the emotion you felt during those months away from these shores. The people you missed, the things you had planned to do when you returned, the dreams you carried with you.
I cried (of course) during random entries, eventhough I’ve read them before in the official compilation. I’m weird like that.
The personal bits were quite a surprise, it gave me another glimpse into your personal space. I hope you have showed them to the important people in your life, to let them know how your memory of them helped you through the challenges and the thought of seeing them again gave you the courage to see through the task you had signed up for.
Thank you for the honour. It was unexpected and made me realise all over again how we were destined for friendship and nothing more.

Side by side with you til the end

I was driving when A Shoulder to Cry On went on air. That song reminds me of arwah Mike, every time. Tommy Page was her pretty boy singer of choice when we were at school. We all had one.

Her daughter is the same age as Noah. She’ll be in primary school next year. The older brother would be a few years older. I wonder if he remembers his mom.

– – –

“Are you okay with things?”
“Most of the time.”

– – –

Hobbies are expensive! Travelling, sailing, shooting, photography. Writers don’t get paid much, especially if you’re a freelancer, so one activity at a time. Note to self.

Heartbreak

I have been wanting to write but the words just wouldn’t come out and it is excruciating.  I couldn’t even write much in my offline journal.  It was that difficult.  So here goes…

What is different about this guy?  For one, I knew from the start that he was off limits.  I knew that I was not supposed to feel the way I had felt, the way I still feel, about him.  For another, the attraction was strong from the beginning, even when I tried to deny it by focusing more on how we connected through our interests, which was also a signifact pull factor.

His persistence made holes in the wall around me, weakened my resolve to stay away.  It felt good to be wanted.  It felt even better to have someone I could talk to about things who gets them.  He told me he felt comfortable enough to tell me anything, even things I didn’t want to know.

He has his flaws but I respected him in what he does, and I learned a lot from his experience.  He in turn acknowledged the skills that I have and encouraged me in my many pursuits.  He had invited me to join him on one excursion which I had initially accepted but later felt inappropriate when I made the decision to not see him again.

Because we didn’t get to spend a lot of time together, the memories of our meetings are much harder to forget.  I’d be on my way home from work and would suddenly remember his comments about how fast I drive.  Or a particular song would trigger a certain memory.  The nights are the worst, when my thoughts would turn to him and interrupt my efforts to let go.

It has been about six weeks now, yet it is still a struggle to keep my faculties intact.  Tears would just flow and I couldn’t stop them.  I don’t want to actually, because self pity is easy.

I don’t know if he now hates me or if he’s angry with me.  I hope he’s not.  If anyone who should be angry it’ll be me.  Because he didn’t give me a good reason to fight to have him.  That was why I had to make the decision that I made.  That was why I had to say goodbye.

My wish is for him to be happy with his life, with what he has.  I don’t know if I will feel the same way about another person or if I’ll meet someone better, but I know I’ll be okay.  I’ll just tear up whenever I read Iain S. Thomas, among other things.

It will get better

I think I am going to be okay.  I was able to be in the same space as you for a few hours and left with my faculties intact.  My heart?  It’s alright, but it did do a double somersault when you first appeared in front of me.

Letting go.  I will.  I am.