I have been wanting to write but the words just wouldn’t come out and it is excruciating.  I couldn’t even write much in my offline journal.  It was that difficult.  So here goes…

What is different about this guy?  For one, I knew from the start that he was off limits.  I knew that I was not supposed to feel the way I had felt, the way I still feel, about him.  For another, the attraction was strong from the beginning, even when I tried to deny it by focusing more on how we connected through our interests, which was also a signifact pull factor.

His persistence made holes in the wall around me, weakened my resolve to stay away.  It felt good to be wanted.  It felt even better to have someone I could talk to about things who gets them.  He told me he felt comfortable enough to tell me anything, even things I didn’t want to know.

He has his flaws but I respected him in what he does, and I learned a lot from his experience.  He in turn acknowledged the skills that I have and encouraged me in my many pursuits.  He had invited me to join him on one excursion which I had initially accepted but later felt inappropriate when I made the decision to not see him again.

Because we didn’t get to spend a lot of time together, the memories of our meetings are much harder to forget.  I’d be on my way home from work and would suddenly remember his comments about how fast I drive.  Or a particular song would trigger a certain memory.  The nights are the worst, when my thoughts would turn to him and interrupt my efforts to let go.

It has been about six weeks now, yet it is still a struggle to keep my faculties intact.  Tears would just flow and I couldn’t stop them.  I don’t want to actually, because self pity is easy.

I don’t know if he now hates me or if he’s angry with me.  I hope he’s not.  If anyone who should be angry it’ll be me.  Because he didn’t give me a good reason to fight to have him.  That was why I had to make the decision that I made.  That was why I had to say goodbye.

My wish is for him to be happy with his life, with what he has.  I don’t know if I will feel the same way about another person or if I’ll meet someone better, but I know I’ll be okay.  I’ll just tear up whenever I read Iain S. Thomas, among other things.

It will get better

I think I am going to be okay.  I was able to be in the same space as you for a few hours and left with my faculties intact.  My heart?  It’s alright, but it did do a double somersault when you first appeared in front of me.

Letting go.  I will.  I am.

Why can’t it just fade away

I was out today, surrounded by people, and yet I still thought of you.  It is not healthy, this obsession.  I have gone through many, many scenarios and the only acceptable ending is out of my reach.  There will never be us, only you and I.

- – -

The courage to do the right thing

I have but little

Slowly scraped away by the desire

To be wherever you are

I’m lost but I’m hopeful, baby

“I’ve been listening to old soppy love songs lately.”

“I think some of us will have those moments every now and then.

“Do you think we’ll eventually have the person we want?”

“I don’t know.  It’s not like I’m faring better than you in that department.”

“That’s why I asked.  It seems like an easy feat for many yet such a difficult thing for you and me.”

“Life’s not exactly fair most of the time, right.”

“Yeah.  And it’s not easy either.  What we have, we fought hard to get.”

“And some people just can’t appreciate what is theirs.”

“That’s the saddest part, isn’t it?  What we want is out of reach because others are not willing to let go of something they don’t even want anymore.”

“But you keep hoping.”

“But we keep hoping.”

Until the fear subsides

Kita kan serasi.

I wished I could’ve seen your face when you said those words.  But then, I was there when you’d uttered so many other words and most have stayed with me until now because words can be powerful.

Words are even more powerful because we’ve had limited contact so I tend to mull on the memories of those few, memorable exchanges and lull myself into thinking that I could sway you, that I could actually influence your decision to lessen my own feelings of guilt.

I miss the conversations, the inside jokes, the lessons and mostly I just miss you.


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